For two years, I have been struggling to keep or even get order in my home and life. I was in a relationship which was emotionally abusing when it neared the end and and it left me devistated. He expected everything perfect (nothing was good enough--close to how it was on "Sleeping With The Enemy") and when we split up, I guess I regressed (if that's a word) and I turned into a slob without even realizing it.
My house was in total disorder and I felt powerless to change. I would dread coming home because of how bad it was, but yet I just couldn't gather the motivation to actually roll my sleeves up and get to work. No one ever knew how bad things were....on the outside, I'm all "put together"....but in the inside, I was in pieces....sad and depressed--I would lose my purse, my keys, shoes, etc in all the chaos....it was just so overwhelming. It was never an issue with not caring....it almost felt like something was literally keeping me from doing anything about it....I did indeed feel powerless. I let my depression take over my life.
The end to this battle came in the most humiliating way....because I couldn't find my keys with my house key on it (the lock has to be locked from the outside), I decided to leave it unlocked. Well, I guess I didn't pull the door shut all the way, because my neighbor (apartment building) noticed that my door was ajar and was concerned that my cat might have gotten out. He went in to make sure my cat was there and saw my disarray. He honestly thought that my apartment was ransacked or that I had been robbed. Out of concern, he called my landlord and they in turn called my parents who were listed as my emergency contact. Everyone was worried. Well, when I came home, my door was locked....I instantly knew what had happened. I finally found one of my house keys in my car and let myself in. I had 10 calls from my parents and my sister who had called me out of concern.
So, although I was totally humiliated, I called my parents and my sister and broke down and told them the truth....that I was literally a mess. They had no clue....I was too embarrassed to tell them or ask for help before this. I ended up taking two days off of work and and spent those days and the weekend cleaning. I couldn't even tell you how many bags of junk I cleared out. My sister and mother have cleaning ladies that come once a month....they both "donated" their ladies to me to help with the deep cleaning after I had gotten rid of all my mess.
Well, it's been a little over two months and I'm proud to say that my apartment is beautiful (it looks lived in and loved!) and it smells like a garden!!....not because of the overspray of air freshener I used to use, but because it is clean!! I didn't think I could get over the embarrassment and humiliation. Now, though, I can say that the humiliation actually saved my life. If this didn't happen, because of not knowing where to start, I think I'd be in the exact same spot. Now, I open my blinds with pride and invite people to "stop over anytime" (that actually keeps me on my toes!). I had a really good tax refund this year so I invested in some really pretty rugs, home decor and, of course, tons of cleaning supplies!!
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